Surprisingly, last night’s No Mercy pay-per-view—and the booking of the WWE Title match(es)—didn’t disappoint. Granted, I was slightly peeved at Triple H’s hasty involvement in the WWE Title picture and the absence of the “saveus.222” angle (and the rumored-to-be-signed Chris Jericho), but all in all it was well worth the money.

Before I go into more in-depth analysis of No Mercy, let me remind readers of my reviewing system. Stars are boring, plain and simple. Therefore, I offer something different. It’s the “Kicks to the Testicles” scale of match grading. Simply put, the grading range is 1 through 5 kicks to the testicles. The more kicks to the testicles the match or segment warrants, the better it is. For this particular event, it’ll be Santino Marella who’ll be the lucky recipient of the kicks because, well, he sucks and needs to go away. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

Onto my review…

WWE Title Match –

Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Analysis :   Could’ve done without the lengthy in-ring shenanigans prior to the match—and, at first, I was a little bothered by Triple H’s participation and subsequent win—but everything worked out in the end, so to speak. However, this match was relatively short for a title match, which took away a little of the excitement and prestige for me.   Still passable when you consider everything that transpired afterwards.

Review :   2 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

Six-Man Tag Team Match –

Mr. Kennedy & World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy, Brian Kendrick & Paul London

Analysis :   What an enjoyable “bonus” match with a lot of back-and-forth action. I like how there’s an actual feud for the World Tag Team Titles heating up involving two capable teams. After all the nonsense involving Cade & Murdoch and drivel like Cryme Tyme and the Highlanders, this definitely cleansed the pallet. Mr. Kennedy was an added plus, as was his high profile win. Here’s hoping he gets a title feud of his own now – either with Jeff Hardy over the I-C Title or something involving the WWE Title.

Review :   5 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

ECW Title Match –

CM Punk (c) vs. Big Daddy V

Analysis :   What a joke. It still baffles me as to why all ECW Title matches aren’t held under Extreme Rules. If a title match ended with a disqualification in the “real” ECW, there would’ve been a riot, but this is ECW Lite, so I guess it’s acceptable.   Bah. Glad Punk retained even though it was via DQ, but I’m not enthused about this angle continuing any further beyond this point. Punk needs to be defending the title against men who can actually put on a decent match, not King Mabel. It’s pretty sad when you have hard workers like Tommy Dreamer, Elijah Burke, Balls Mahoney and Kevin Thorn sitting at home twiddling their thumbs while a sorry retread from the 1990s gets prominent pay-per-view airtime.

Review :   1 Kick to Santino Marella’s Testicles (solely for Punk retaining)

Pizza Eating Competition –

Matt Hardy vs. MVP

Analysis :   While I’ve been enjoying Matt and MVP’s feud over the United States Championship, this match—if you want to call it that—was a big letdown. I was under the impression Matt and MVP were defending their tag titles against Undertaker and Kane at the pay-per-view, not this Friday’s SmackDown!. That would’ve been far more entertaining than what we saw here. Predictable stuff with MVP winding up on the losing end of the stick – and the wrong end of an upchucking Matt Hardy. They could’ve advanced this feud so much better had the odd couple defending their titles tonight. It wasn’t all crap, as my two favorite divas Maria and Melina were scorekeepers during this “contest.” Plus, JBL had the line of the night, when he insisted he never threw up on former partner Faarooq.

Review :   2 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles (1 for Maria and 1 for Melina)

WWE Title Match –

Triple H (c) vs. Umaga

Analysis :   I was pleasantly surprised this match even happened, as I was sure Triple H’s involvement in the WWE Title match would’ve nullified any purpose. Great setup with Vince and a brutal effort by both men. I’m continually impressed by Umaga and hope he gets rewarded for his efforts with a title very soon. He’s come a long way since his days in 3 Minute Warning.

Review :   4 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay

Analysis :   As predicted, this was the sleeper hit of the card. Both men put on an impressive match that left me guessing ‘til the very end. I’m deducting points for the inconclusive finish, although I thought the faked injury by Finlay was really unexpected and brought the wily Irishman oodles of heel heat with the Chi-Town crowd.

Review :   4 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

WWE Women’s Title Match –

Candice Michelle (c) vs. Beth Phoenix

Analysis :   All I can say is thank God. They finally wised up and took the title off that no-talent strip club reject Candice Michelle. All hail the Glamazon, the most entertaining women’s division heel the WWE has seen since Ivory dressed up like a schoolteacher from Little House on the Prairie. This was basically a squash, so there wasn’t much substance to the match. I’m just glad Beth Phoenix is finally the champion. I know it’s not going to happen, but I’m hoping they ship Candice off to OVW for some fine-tuning now that the strap’s off her waist. If she’s going to get forced down our throats, she should at least know how to string together a series of moves without looking like a drunken ostrich.

Review :   3 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles (all for the Glamazon)

Punjabi Prison Match for the World Heavyweight Title –

Batista (c) vs. The Great Khali

Analysis :   This wasn’t as painful to watch as I thought it’d be. Granted, Khali was his usual cumbersome self, but Batista really worked his ass off. The leap he took from the one cage to the other made the match for me. I still don’t like the man, don’t get me wrong, but I think he put forth one hell of an effort and I’m glad he retained. Onto a title feud with the Phenom now, Dave.

Review :   3 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Title –

Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton

Analysis :   It’s matches like this that make me proud to be a wrestling fan. After the first match of the pay-per-view, I was under the false impression Triple H was getting another nepotism-fueled push when, in fact, he was just setting things up for a HUGE push for Orton. Both men were awesome, taking more body-crunching bumps in the matter of twenty minutes than Cena ever did in his yearlong reign as WWE Champion. In the end it was Orton who came out on top and the pay-per-view ended on a high note, at least for this fan.

Review :   5 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

Average Score for No Mercy :  3 Kicks to Santino Marella’s Testicles

Not a bad show, probably one of the better WWE pay-per-views to come down the pike in a long while. I’m looking forward to seeing the fallout on tonight’s Raw.

Until next time…

Nicholas Spears

www.myspace.com/therealnicholasspears