It's Hard Not to Hit Those Pinstripes

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It's Hard Not to Hit Those Pinstripes By DEREK BUNKER, MOP Squad Sports Staff Writer Aug 9, 2004 - 12:24:00 AM	Email this article Printer friendly page
Yankees. So much to say, but not enough swear-words to explain it. Whenever they play the Blue Jays I make sure to stop by Ralph's and grab Advil, two bottles of Coke, and Jeremy's Throat Solution. Advil for the headache caused by anything Yankee-ish, Coke to wash it down, and Jeremy's for my rant (the other Coke is to throw at my poor TV when Fox interviews their glorious Yankees). Friday came, same thing. It was ridiculous. The Blue Jays, down to chump-change pitchers from injuries, fatigue, etc, send relief pitcher Sean Douglass to start against New York. Down 5-3 in the third inning, the Blue Jays' pitcher tossed a 1-2 pitch into C John Flaherty's knees. Without a warning and without a second thought, plate umpire Chris Guccione gave him the boot. Halfway through muttering under my breath, "That a boy, Sean" I realize what has just happened and quickly conclude with an indignant, "What the (bleep)?!?? Are you kiddin' me? Sean "Friendly-Giant" Douglass? As my smile melted I decided to look at it from a different angle, so I asked myself, "What was Guccione really thinking?" Did he really think that Douglass decided to take out his frustration on a backup catcher? Or that Sean felt threatened by a batter with an important .163 BA? Or was all that money that Georgie stuck in Guccione's back pocket putting pressure on his decision? After gagging down about a dozen Advil (about my only friend at that point), swearing to anonymously send a life-threatening letter (and a little bit of unmarked sugar) to Chris Guccione, and opening the Jeremy's three innings early, I chose to instead spend the next hour watching the re-broadcast of the Andre Agassi match. Don't worry, Blue Jay faithful, I did return to the game in the eighth. And yes, I watched the Blue Jays lose 11-4 in the same bad mood. As the post-game interviews were taking place, I started looking for the other Coke bottle (my living room was hit by a crazed lunatic). After much sweat and grumbling (of course, it was the Yankees fault that I could not find the 20 oz.), I happened upon it. But as I was winding up, the Advil kicked in; I felt like a new man. I set the bottle down, cleaned the room, and for the first time in a long time looked into Torre's eyes without feeling any hate (believe me, that's improvement). I decided, while listening to NY manager Joe Torre, I had a new respect for Sean Douglass; I mean he went 2 1-3 innings without hitting a single Yankee. In light of this, I made my own chart to rank pitchers who face the Yankees and how many batters they hit. Derek Bunker's Authentic Pitching Test One Inning without Hitting a Yankee: You are no worse than any other person Two-Four Innings without Hitting a Yankee: How'd you do it? Five-Eight Innings without Hitting a Yankee: Jesus Christ is most likely jealous. Nine+ Innings without Hitting a Yankee: There was an accident. Twice. In the end I deemed myself a better man. Copyright 2007 - MOP Squad Sports Top of Page